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Commentary © 2007- 2009 Richard & Bonnett Chandler
Roy Blount Jr.
An American writer and humorist, Roy Blount Jr. is also an actor, reporter, and musician with the “Rock Bottom Remainders,” a rock band composed entirely of his fellow writers including Steven King, Dave Barry, Matt Groening and Amy Tan. He is featured regularly as a panelist on the NPR news & comedy quiz show, Wait Wait... Don’t Tell Me. On the show, Blount frequently reduces the panel to hysterics with his bizarre statements and answers to questions.
He has appeared on A Prairie Home Companion frequently (Garrison Keilor has said, “Roy Blount's stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door.”), and on the CBS Morning Show, Tonight Show, David Letterman Show, Good Morning America, Today Show, Larry King & Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher.
“If a cat spoke, it would say things like “Hey, I don’t see the problem here.”
“A dog will make eye contact. A cat will, too, but cat’s eyes don’t even look entirely warm-blooded to me, whereas a dog’s eyes look human except less guarded. A dog will look at you as if to say, “What do you want me to do for you? I’ll do anything for you.” Whether a dog can in fact, do anything for you if you don’t have sheep (I never have) is another matter. The dog is willing.”
“A good heavy book holds you down. It’s an anchor that keeps you from getting up and having another gin and tonic.”
“Contemporary American children, if they are old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus by Thanksgiving, are able to see through it by December 15th.”
“I prefer my oysters fried; that way I know my oysters died.”
- RRR- Roy Blount Jr. (1941- )
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Jon Stewart, principle writer, co-producer and host of Emmy Award-winning ‘The Daily Show’ on Comedy Central since 1999. He is known for his political satire, interviewing skill and as a vocal, outspoken critic of the Bush administration as well as of other personality-driven news media shows, most especially those seen on Fox News including the ‘Bill O'Reilly Show’. He hosted the 78th Academy Awards and was again chosen to host them on Sunday, February 24, 2008.
After graduating from William and Mary College of Virginia in 1985, Stewart held numerous jobs, including busboy, shelf stocker at Woolworth’s, contingency planner for the New Jersey Department of Human Services, construction worker, caterer, contract administrator for City University of New York, puppeteer for children with disabilities, and bartender. He proposed to his wife, a veterinary technician, by working with Will Shortz, the crossword editor at The New York Times, and together they created a puzzle that popped the question.
“You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
“There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on ‘Friends’ is.”
“I’m too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.”
“I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that’s really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change… I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.”
- Jon Stewart (1962- )
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Kathy Griffin is an Emmy Award-winning stand-up comedienne, producer, actress, and a self-proclaimed "D-list celebrity." She has also been a voice actress, a red carpet commentator, and a guest host on ‘The View’. She also appeared in an Eminem music video. She has honed a comedy and television career that pokes fun at her own relatively modest place in the Hollywood hierarchy as well as Scientology, plastic surgery and snooty attitudes. Among Griffin's staples are Clay Aiken, Barbara Walters, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Gwyneth Paltrow, Star Jones, Oprah Winfrey, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan.
She stirred up controversy with her Emmy acceptance speech, saying “a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit.” For Griffin, this remark was not meant as a slight on Jesus, but rather as a satire of celebrities who thank Jesus profusely for their awards. Griffin later responded, “Am I the only Catholic left with a sense of humor?”
“A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them. I can be 5 feet from Christina Aguilera, for example – we’ve worked together many times - and she will not even look at me.”
“I work constantly, I’m really driven by money, I’m really interested in money. It is not like I am rich by other star’s standards, but I constantly strive for more.”
(About her D-List status) “I’m open about it. You have the A-list with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt and Nicole Kidman. The B-list is, like, Ray Romano and Debra Messing. For a while I hovered on the C-List. But then I did ‘Celebrity Mole,’ and I jumped right to D. Once you do ‘Celebrity Mole, there’s no coming back. The D-list is people who have shows on the Animal Planet.”
“The more I’m in an actual war zone, the more it’s just ugly. It’s not cool, it’s not a Toby Keith song, it’s not opening up a can of whoop-ass. It’s just horrible.”
“My niece and nephew are here for the weekend. It’s time to act like I like kids.”- Kathy Griffin (1960- )
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Jerry Seinfeld is a Golden Globe and Emmy Award-winning Jewish American comedian, actor and writer. He is often described as an observational comedian and is best known for playing a semi-fictional version of himself in the long-running situation comedy ‘Seinfeld’ (1989 - 1998), which he co-created, helped write and executive produced in the show's final two seasons. After his sitcom ended, Seinfeld returned to stand-up comedy instead of pursuing a film career like most other popular comedians have done. He recently wrote and produced a children’s animated film, Bee Movie. It features the voices of Seinfeld, Renee Zellweger, John Goodman, Larry King, Sting and Oprah Winfrey among others.
“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”
“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
“A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, he’s back, it’s that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don’t believe it.”
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.”
– Jerry Seinfeld (1954- )
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American humorist, satirist, writer and lecturer Mark Twain – a pen name for Samuel Clemens - was famous for such notable classics as ‘Huckleberry Finn’ and ‘The Adventures of Tom Sawyer’. The American author William Faulkner called Twain, “the father of American literature”. Known for his wit and satire, he wrote and said many very funny phrases that we now quote here…
“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”
“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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The Ellen DeGeneres Show, hosted by Ellen DeGeneres, won 15 Emmys in its first three seasons. Known for her observational humor, DeGeneres is also famous for her quirky surprises. When placed on bed rest in May 2007 for a torn ligament in her back, DeGeneres hosted her show from a hospital bed. She also celebrated her 30th high school class reunion by flying her classmates from the entire class to be guests (and not just audience members) on her show. Here are some thoughts from Ellen DeGeneres…
“The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.”
- Ellen DeGeneres (1958- )
“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
- Ellen DeGeneres (1958- )
“Our attention span is shot. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - too busy disorder.”
- Ellen DeGeneres (1958- )
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Shirley MacLaine is an Academy Award winning actress and author. An energetic, high-octane performer, MacLaine has endeared herself to audiences worldwide. She is also outspoken - whether it be about politics, film, or spirituality, most particularly, her belief in reincarnation.
“It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.”
- Shirley MacLaine (1934- )
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Three funny quotes by celeb Steven Wright, an Academy Award winning American stand-up comedian and actor. He is known for his deadpan delivery and witty, absurd and sometimes deliberately confusing jokes.
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
“I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”
“I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him... “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.”- Steven Wright (1955- )
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Ellen DeGeneres is an American actor, comedian and Emmy Award winning host of the Ellen DeGeneres Show. She is known for her quirky, observational humor and laid back style. In May 2006, DeGeneres made a surprise appearance at the Tulane University commencement in New Orleans. Following George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton to the podium, she came out in a bathrobe and furry slippers. “They told me everyone would be wearing robes,” she said.
“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
“You have to have funny faces and words, you can’t just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that’s why it’s hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.”
- Ellen DeGeneres (1968-)
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