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Steven Wright

Some off beat and funny quotes by celeb Steven Wright, an Academy Award winning American stand-up comedian and actor. He is known for his deadpan delivery and witty, absurd and sometimes deliberately confusing jokes.

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn’t happen.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him... “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I wrote a few children’s books... not on purpose.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one - it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

 

“I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.”

- Steven Wright  (1955- )

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